LEARNING ABOUT SEX

A boy’s sexual knowledge is usually formed based on macho fictions. These obviously have an enormous impact on their sexual relationships. This standard, highly influenced by pornographic books and television, becomes for a lot of men, the most important (and the only source sometimes) for sexual learning. Society teaches men that there isn’t much use for close, emotional relationships forming.

Popular media helps men to learn how to relate to women. One of the pioneers of rock music, Buddy Holly, penned “Maybe baby, I want you tonight,” which implied that girls are just things that want to be needed and won over. The James Bond character sent a message to males that it is their duty to get a female into their bedroom, or they aren’t true men. The song, “I want you,” by the Beatles, resounded similar implications also.

What do males learn? Most of it deals with the drive for performance. The way men are taught to view it is that they must be able to provide what their partner desires at a moment’s notice. By studying these false ideas about sex, we can see some of the myths that trouble men: physical contact always leads to sex, sex is only intercourse, to be good sex, orgasm must result, and a man must lead during sex. Males are taught that a great lover is a person who takes responsibility for his mate having many orgasms. Essentially, a man is taught to be a sex machine primed for action and should understand the precise way to make his partner contented. He thinks that his mate’s happiness will rely on penis size and how hard he is.

A lot of things told to young boys about sex are based on the size of the penis, amount of times they can ejaculate, and the amount of “victories.”  Sexual activity is one method that teen boys use as a comparison to their peers. Sexual feats are sometimes talked about like sporting events, using tough language and competition as conversation drivers.

Using a language like that of sports, accomplishments, sexually, are many times discussed in terms that are competitive. Brian, age 51, was a typical example of this. He had much success running his landscaping company, as he described himself as a hard worker. Brian opted for individual therapy after his divorce because since he began dating again, “things with women have not been right,” and one of the things he felt was causing difficulties was what he referred to as his “overly aggressive approach to get a woman into bed.” When discussing Brian’s earliest recollections of “sex education,” he recounted two images to me. After physical education class in the locker room one day, one of his good buddies was being taunted about his penis size. It came to his mind when a few guys bothered his friend and said to him “a girl will never want you.”  Another thought that came into his mind was when he arrived home from a date and his father asked him, “Well, did you score a home run?”  Brian realized what his father was trying to say, exactly. “Later on, I felt like I was a loser if a girl didn’t want to have sex with me,” Brian said.

I was shocked that as negative as these example were, Brian did not understand immediately that this influenced his current trouble with sexual aggressiveness. Both of these images demonstrate well just how incorrect ideas about sex can affect how men think about their sexuality.

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